Friends, family members, strangers, and arbiters of good taste, today marks one year of life for this impulsively titled newsletter “preface to my memoirs”!
When I began this publication, I knew I could count on my grandmother to subscribe. Twenty-two issues later, there are more of you reading than just my grandmother, and some of you even write comments!
In all seriousness, this newsletter has served as a valuable creative outlet in one of the most turbulent years of my life. Writing in my own voice has allowed me to flex and strengthen a new muscle. It’s lifted a weight off my shoulders when it comes to writing. I didn’t know how much I needed a place to write freely and see that writing published until I found it.
I briefly considered ending this publication after one year to focus on other projects. The idea of going out on a high note was tempting, but when I floated this idea among friends and family I was met with a resounding, “Don’t.”
Now that the year-iversary is here, I don’t want to stop writing. There’s more I want to say in these letters and more deadlines I want to meet. I also made a commitment to you, my dear reader, and I have no intention of breaking it.
So, thank you. Thank you to my grandmother and everyone else who has encouraged me, shared my writing, made passing comments, and read my work without ever letting me know. Your readership has given me the confidence and courage to keep writing through my lowest points. You’ve given me the strength to be vulnerable and the incentive to get better. You’ve touched my life and my craft more than you know just by being here.
As for reflecting on this year, I realized when I sat down to write that you know everything already! Hell, you even know what my boobs are thinking.
This is why I’ve decided to celebrate this milestone with what you haven’t seen. For every published newsletter, there are notes app musings, post-its, journal entries, and occasionally abandoned drafts left in my account.
Without any further ado…
All the Titles of Unpublished Newsletter Drafts Sitting in My Substack Account:
Cultural Criticism in the Club aka "Going Out"
This is yet another newsletter referencing Joan Didion.1
I tried to write about the agony and the ecstasy of going out clubbing. I believe I wrote most of it in the back of a Lyft. Parts of the draft went into “Morning After Reflections” on the overturning of Roe V. Wade and “Los Angeles Isn’t So Bad.”
My favorite unpublished quote:
Our Lyft driver blasts Elton John and Dua Lipa’s “Cold Heart” at peak volume in the car home from the club. She tells us it’s the only song she can stand to listen to more than once. We don’t listen to anything else. “Cold Heart” repeats and each time I hear the familiar “Rocket Man” riff I feel a little betrayed and foolish for expecting anything other than synth to follow. The Elton John classic never starts in earnest. He’s not the man they think he is at home but we never hear that he’s a rocket man either.
There’s no better metaphor for the club than that.
Please don’t ask me to explain the metaphor.
let’s generalize about men
This one’s all about catcalling.2 I got pretty far into it, before abandoning it to write about leaving Los Angeles.
I was getting catcalled a lot at that moment in time and wrote the draft out of frustration. Instead of sharing those frustrations now, I’m going to offer one of my favorite personal stories on the subject:
One night during the Covid year of college, I was called out by a man late at night in front of my friend’s apartment building. I kept my eyes forward, as I always do, but I felt especially uncomfortable that night. The weed I’d smoked a few hours earlier wasn’t helping. Neither was the fact that I was the only person on the street… Or so I thought. Suddenly I felt myself being scooped up in one arm and ushered into the building behind me. The USC student rambled about he saw me out there and understood how much getting called out on the street sucks and he gets it because he’s gay but he knows he doesn’t completely get it or what it’s like as a woman and stuff… Moments later my Lyft arrived, and I left, never to see my good samaritan again. For days after, I hoped he understood how much that small act of kindness meant. I’ll never be able to fully articulate the kinship I felt with this man after five seconds of talking to him. But he was the hero I needed that night at that exact moment when I was too tired to comfort myself.
So, maybe we don’t have to generalize after all.
My favorite unpublished quote:
Men seem to find me approachable lately.
A Little More Mascara
This entry was an excuse to quote La Cage Aux Folles and reference a lot of musical theater. The best parts of the draft went into “A Ditz Who Reads Joan Didion” about insecurities I felt starting my first post-college job.
Songs featured in this entry (all of which I obviously recommend) are:
“Wig in a Box” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
“I Love to Cry at Weddings” from Sweet Charity
“A Little More Mascara” from La Cage Aux Folles
God Damn It I'm Trying. Okay?
Despite the intense title I gave this entry, the draft is all about Christmastime and my borderline obsessive love of the holidays. I didn’t get very far before abandoning it to write about New Year’s in “Expectations.”
There’s no quote worth featuring, but maybe I’ll revisit the topic in year #2.
The subtitle for this entry:
Happy Holidays!
Confessions of a High-Functioning Shopaholic
I love this entry and am still planning to publish it so there will be no preview.
My Series of Unfortunate Events Revisited
This little gem throws us all the way back to the second entry of this newsletter. Long-time readers may remember my penchant for referring to my dating life as a "series of unfortunate events."
I’m not saying there’s been anyone to write home about in the past year… But maybe there has been one of two fortunate events for the memoirs…
One day, I’ll be able to put them into publishable words.
My favorite unpublished quote:
Sometimes I wonder if the call is coming from inside the house. If you’ve seen Scream, you’ll understand. I’m Drew Barrymore crying and yelling into the phone as Ghostface in his black robes and mask taunts me about my dating life.
Lessons from One Year of Newsletters:
There will always be a typo. No matter how hard you proofread there will be at least one. pesky. typo. lying in wait to stab you in the eye as soon as you hit “publish.”
Adulting is difficult but not impossible.
New York street vendors have the best deals on fruit, but you must eat it within 2-3 days.
I’m my own harshest critic.
If you publish something publicly, some people will take note! Every time I’ve assumed no one is paying attention, an unlikely friend, acquaintance, or family member will come out of the woodwork to let me know they saw my newsletter or to say it was interesting to know what I snack on in a day.
“Maybe This Time” from Cabaret holds immense power and should be played sparingly.
Small victories are still victories, and it’s important to give myself credit for them.
Not all my recommendations and opinions will withstand the test of time, and that’s okay.
Outfit of This Era:
I wore this to an event a week ago called “The Debt Gala” - Brooklyn’s take on the MET Gala, which raised money for Medical Debt Relief and was themed Garbage Glamour. My outfit involved my ripped-up graduation/wedding dress, a repurposed jean & leather motorcycle vest (obscured by the corduroy coat I needed for warmth), and a silver mesh bandana. I paired this with the vintage green lace-up boots passed down to me by my mother and one of those woven purses they sell at New York Christmas Markets that are made from old candy wrappers.
The outfit doesn’t make complete sense, but I loved wearing it and had so much fun getting to dress up in a way I wouldn’t and couldn't for any other occasion.
My approach to designing the outfit was in line with these sage words of wisdom Coco Channel never said:
“Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and put at least one more thing on.”
Featured Friend of This Era:
Recommendations for This Era:
Polite Society - I loved this movie so much!
Fostering a pet.
This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone
Getting rid of that gift from your ex you’ve been holding onto because you don’t know what to do with it.
For my fellow musical fans: Schmigadoon! Season 2 on Apple TV.
Spaghetti Incident on Eldridge Street.
Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story on Netflix - Embarrassing how much I enjoyed this series but I truly devoured it.
Signing up for or donating to the NYC AIDS Walk!!!
I haven’t participated in this event since high school, but during those four years, I found it incredibly rewarding. I can’t wait to be part of it again. Here is the link to donate to my fundraiser if you feel inclined.
If you’d rather not, I encourage you to find the walks/fundraisers you believe in and get more involved!
Addendum:
I just went back to the beginning of my substack and learned my first post was on May 6th, not the 8th as I had thought.
Still, it’s never too late to celebrate!
I promise one of these days I will let that woman rest.
The title references a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend song. I could write a dissertation on the musical parodies from this series and can sing a lot of them by heart.