Finally at Peace with My Body ✨👍
The title of this newsletter is a JOKE
Dearest Gentle Reader,1
It’s been over two years since I began this newsletter, and writing this Substack has brought me out of my shell in ways I never imagined. One of those ways has been submitting my non-fiction all over the internet.
I’m thrilled to share a never before seen piece “Men Who Buy Me Drinks at Bars” is out now in Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood.
If you haven’t already, please check it out!!!
This month, I set out to write about a weighty subject I feel I’ve been inundated with lately: body image.
Or more specifically, why my brain sometimes seems programed to hate the body I have.
Instead of engaging in a satisfying intellectual exercise, I found myself reaching the end of this month with four messy drafts in my Notes App and a sinking feeling in my stomach. Several rants with friends and research articles that were too depressing to finish brought me no closer to completing my piece. I sought to produce a well-informed think piece about the warped way we talk about fatness, Ozempic, and the hollow corporate body positivity movement that seems to have already come and gone. This is not that essay.
Though dated, Jia Tolentino’s New Yorker article does an excellent job of laying out a lot of the reasons I’ve been frustrated. How Ozempic is not being made available to those who need it most. How the constant conversation circulating around the drug is rarely about the life changing health care benefits it provides. How our pop culture is once again2 glorifying a type of thinness that is not achievable for the majority of people in this country. All the factors that result in out of touch celebrity soundbites about how they can’t imagine how they lived with a body bigger than a size 2.3
The issue isn’t fun to think, write, or read about.
The shame and hatred people (especially young girls) are brainwashed to feel about their bodies is pervasive and cancerous. It hasn’t diminished over the years, just morphed and hid in plain sight. I was struck reading in Tolentino’s article that, “Doctors—about a third of whom, in one study, reported viewing their obese patients as “sloppy” and “lazy”—frequently misdiagnose, undertreat, or shame fat people, who then accumulate reasons to distrust medical care.” But I shouldn’t be surprised. No one has made me feel worse about my weight than a doctor, who criticized me for a high BMI4 when there were no risks to my actual health.
Now that we’re all thoroughly depressed, I’d like to move away from my original vision.
Instead, I’ve compiled a non-exhaustive list of things (ideas, practices, whatever) that bring me joy and relief when thinking too hard about my body starts to bring me down the dark vortex of self-loathing.
Being completely at peace with my body is an impossible dream. Our bodies are always changing and there are so many external forces pushing their way into our psyches. A few are bound to make an imprint from time to time.
But as hopeless as it all sometimes feels, there are still things that help!
The Anthony Bourdain School of Thought
“Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
I often tell people Kitchen Confidential changed the way I think about food. It’s not an exaggeration to state that by changing the way I think about food this book, in turn, changed my life. I listened to the audiobook for Kitchen Confidential while living alone in Los Angeles during the pandemic. In that isolated period, the demonic voices that condemn what I eat and how much I exercise were getting a little louder. Bourdain’s words reminded me at a critical time that FOOD IS MEANT TO BE FUN. Say it with me. Food is fun.
Food isn’t always an artform, but it has the potential to be. Just like there’s a difference between eating and dining. The latter is a luxury. Bourdain’s writing encouraged me to think of food as a privilege rather than an enemy. It is a medium meant to be reinvented, enjoyed, and savored, most importantly without guilt or shame.
I’m not saying Bourdain always made healthy choices. Moderation and modifications are necessary based on everyone’s body. But the takeaway is that food should be one of life’s greatest pleasures. Life is too short to police, judge, or deny ourselves that joy.
Personal Style
“You should tell her how nice her outfit is because her outfit is her choice whereas her face isn't.”
―Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower5
Fashion is fickle, but style is always a friend. Since my pre-teen years, personal style has felt like a means of finding control in the abyss of beauty standards. Taking pride in my clothes is the closest I can come to control over a body that sometimes betrays me. When I think I look good, I feel good. It’s as simple as that.
As I’ve yelled to friends in thrift stores, “Clothes can fail you. You don’t fail the clothes.” It took me years of repeating that mantra and a few tearful departures from department stores to truly believe it. I don’t care if it’s designer or a once in a lifetime vintage find. The only clothes worth anything for you are the ones that fit and that you feel good in.6
And if your weight does fluctuate to the point of finding clothes difficult, remember shoes, purses, and accessories are evergreen.
Hot Girl Summer Music
As summer approaches, it’s time to cultivate a playlist that gets you pumped to flaunt what you’ve got at the beach. My current songs on repeat include:
“Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter
“Nasty” by Tinashe
“LUNCH” by Billie Eilish
Anything Megan Thee Stallion has ever released. For this explicit purpose, “Boa,” “Thot Shit,” and “Her” are my favorites.
Movement
I always HATED being told to work out while in dire emotional straights over my body. As someone who viewed exercise solely in terms of weight loss/gain for most of my life, it’s still hard not to fixate on the idea that I’m working out because something is wrong with me and however many calories I burn on the elliptical will not be enough to fix it.
Nevertheless, swimming has helped me a lot over the past two years. I don’t count my strokes and can’t count my calories. It’s just about me, moving through the water and enjoying myself. Since it’s literally a sink or swim kind of sport, I have a reason to keep going, and in that process I’m often reminded of the incredible things my body is capable of. Swimming is my favorite practice, but the same could be said of biking, running, yoga, or taking a walk. It’s all about putting your focus on the action rather than the outcome.
Treating Myself
Going to the health food store for “a little treat” has saved me in many a crisis. Buying a fancy hand soap, new kind of tea, or candle can be the difference in an afternoon. A treat is something frivolous. Something you don’t need but decide you deserve. Really, the practice is just a reminder to take care of myself. That my body is worth caring for.
It feels good to be your own benefactor.
Watching Bridgerton Season 3 and Looking at Photos from the Accompanying Press Tour
Representation has limits, and I’m wary of attaching too much sentiment to any celebrity when it comes to feeling better about my body.
Still, seeing Nicola Coughlan turn it out in Bridgerton this season and on the accompanying press tour has been a delight. She’s hot, she’s fabulous, and her size hasn’t been a plot point in the show.7 At a moment when body diversity is on a serious decline in Hollywood, Bridgerton has been a small bright spot. Apparently, she has a major nude scene coming up that she felt was a big “Fuck you” to all her body shamers over the years. GOOD FOR HER.
Remembering I’m Not Alone
Years ago, a friend asked her close friends story for “healthy coping mechanisms when you’re feeling disgusted with yourself.” I screenshotted those responses for a rainy day and have looked back at it several times since. They are as follows:
“Take it one day at a time baby ❤️ Rome wasn’t built in a day 😘
“Telling myself that my body is keeping me alive and I’m very grateful for it.”
“Telling myself eating what I wanted is good for my mental health which is also important.”
“Just like sitting with it and crying and releasing as much as I can.”
A real-life photo of me sitting in bed and feeling my feelings. “I try 2 stay away from TikTok & IG reels, social media where everyone is ‘perfect looking’.”
“I have a self love folder on TikTok.”
“This is so simple but honestly taking the longest shower ever helps me so much.”
“Wear something super comfy.”
“I avoid mirrors/selfies or look at photos where I felt beautiful.”
“I feel like I handle it badly so I would love to see other people’s responses.”
“How we see ourselves through a hateful lens is not how others see us. We’re still hot.”
Making the Effort to Be Kind to Myself
This is a life-long war. You’ll win some battles, and you lose some. But we must keep striving to find that temporary peace. It’s worth the fight.
That’s all for this month my loves. You’re wonderful. You’re gorgeous. Your body is capable of incredible feats. Don’t forget it.
XOXO
Sophia
Can you guess what I’ve been binging recently?
In truth, it never stopped.
Looking at you, Kelly.
An antiquated system used to measure weight that was never designed for women or people of color.
I first heard this quote when I was twelve and haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
I say this, with a pair of “standing only” jeans in my closet. It’s a life long process. Also, “feeling good” doesn’t always mean literal physical comfort. For me, uncomfortable high heels have worked emotional wonders.
Let’s pray it stays that way!
Simply loving reading these. Thanks for sharing your brilliance with the world <3