How Sophia Got Her Groove Back
Well, sort of.
I hit a streak of bad luck.
First, a metal plate fell on my foot at work. Two days later, I left my phone in a Lyft. Two days after that I tested positive for covid because both comedy and tragedy inevitably come in threes.
Two weeks of coughing up my lungs while quarantined alone in Maryland admittedly did not do much for my self-esteem. I mostly laid in bed and stared at Twitter. Any of you who have spent two weeks “mostly staring at Twitter” will understand why I write that statement with slumped shoulders and a sigh.
Although I tried to approach the extra time as an opportunity to rest, relax, and watch movies as a blessing, the rainy grey skies outside felt like a cliché way of setting the mood. Calls from friends and neighborhood cows may have cheered me up temporarily, but Fortuna’s wheel was busted. My stars were not aligned. My mojo was undeniably off, and if we’re being honest, it had been since I hopped off the plane at JFK with a dream and a leather jacket.1
Some might call it my “flop era.”
Plenty of you heard me say “I’m going through it” over the past months in reference to a whole host of insecurities, difficult events, uncertainty, and inner turmoil. Last week I sat down with a friend who I hadn’t seen in a month and a half. She asked how I was and then added, “Last time we talked I remember you were going through it.” It made me realize that I’d been going through it long enough for everyone in my life to individually hear my spiel and give me encouragement. Usually, when that happens it means it’s time to start being through it already.
Unfortunately, there’s no simple way to wake up with your questions answered and confidence restored.
I have to accept I’ve been stuck lately. That I’ve felt a little lost.
I fell victim to some undeniably bad luck on top of uneasiness and anxiety about the instability and change in my life lately.
But the original purpose of this newsletter was to explore the shift between different eras of my life. And the good thing about any era, the best and worst of them, is that this one too shall pass.2
So, has it passed?
Did Sophia get her groove back?!
It did and it didn’t. It has and it hasn’t.
I had an utterly fantastic weekend and a good week, but I still broke down in tears when I thought I missed the bus after 7 pm in New Jersey. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
First, let me tell you what went right:
The Professional Groove
It’s true, folks! This ain’t LinkedIn but I’m happy to announce I’ve started a new position at-
I. HAVE. A. JOB.
And even better yet, I like it!
Does my entire self-worth come from this job? No. Am I defined by my ability to function in a capitalist society? Maybe partially, but I hope not completely.
Still! Damn, it feels good to be employed.
I’m learning a lot, everyone’s been kind and I feel useful which is all a huge win. I’m excited to be in the game, have a schedule ahead of me, and see a TV show evolve from the beginning.
I’m also getting the coveted ✨assistant experience✨ that most entry-level film and TV jobs expect you to already have.
It’s new and I’m still nervous, but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.
The Social Groove
After covid, I was itching to go out on the town in a way I haven’t since my days on the west coast. Before my big night of planned bar hopping, I listened to records and ate a salad in the kitchen standing over the sink.
These are life’s simple pleasures.
My mom called and helped me through the final stages of deciding on a jacket. I told her how I hoped the night would be good, but sometimes when you have too much riding on a night it inevitably falls flat. You know the ones? The night you buy a new dress for or spend an hour planning how you to orchestrate a chance encounter with your crush, but by 12:30 am, the party’s already over, one of your friends has ditched you for a hook-up, and the baconeggandcheese3 that was the best thing you'd ever eaten when you were drunk last weekend tastes kind of soggy under 24-hour deli's the fluorescent lights.
My mom told me to think less. So I did!
Walking - no strutting - through St. Marks's Place in an absolutely stellar outfit,4 I truly felt fabulous. It was the kind of walk that makes your ETA and whatever awaits when you arrive irrelevant. You’ve already won just by setting foot out your door.
I got to the meeting place first and felt no awkwardness whatsoever loitering outside a hookah bar. I listened to the entire length of “About Damn Time” and was in the perfect mindset for a night out.
I caught up with friends in an Avenue B apartment, meet up with other friends from out of town, scored a free pickleback at the bar, danced to music I like, and took bathroom mirror selfies (one of which turned out better than I could have imagined).
My night winded down at 2:30 am in a park full of rats with a phenomenal deli grilled cheese.5 When it was clear the fun was over, I hailed a cab in 5 seconds flat.
It’ll go down in my book as a great night.
The Personal Groove
My third groove is the hardest to define but is arguably the most important.
I’m used to defining success and my social life by the school calendar, so graduating inevitably threw a few things out of wack. In the gap between jobs, reconnecting with east coast friends, and getting my groove back, I stumbled into the basement of Webster Library on 79th and York and decided it might be fun to spend 5 hours a week stocking books for a used bookstore that raises funds for the library.
This may not seem like a large commitment by any means, but it felt like one. Maybe because I made it right when I got back to the city and had no commitments at all. I’ve also never been one to give up my Saturdays.
Yet, I fell in love with the Book Cellar and value every hour I get to spend there. It took time to feel like I fit in. To learn the layout. To memorize everyone’s name without asking twice. But the feeling of belonging did come and finding a community outside of school, entertainment, productivity, or even my age range proved to me that I could. It’s a supportive, low-stress environment I needed independent of everything else in my life.
And I get first dibs on books!6
During one of my first weeks volunteering a woman came running (literally) down the stairs after we’d already closed. She wanted a book for her friend in the hospital. She wasn't much of a reader herself so she was frantically searching for something he might like based on his love of black authors like Langston Hughes and Toni Morrison. She told us he’d already read all the classics. I am by no means an expert, but I gave her Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi, which I loved reading and had stocked earlier in the day. My co-volunteers gave it to her for free. Then, she ran off.
It’s one of the moments I’ve had there that stuck with me.
This past Saturday I struck up a conversation with one of our customers while restocking the fiction section to ask if I could help him find anything. We started talking about book recommendations, and he mentioned that he found out about the Book Cellar because a friend came here when he was in the hospital. Having nothing else to do there, he got excited about reading again through the books we recommended. He recommended two books to me (Geek Love by Katherine Dunn and The Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon), so I bought them.
Running the risk of being overly sentimental and adding more of what Nora Ephron would call “mush” into the world, I’ll admit this chance encounter makes me believe I’m having some small impact on the world. I felt like I was part of some cosmic force of good. Something I did helped a stranger and then he came back into my life to have an impact on me. I don’t know what I’ll think of his book recommendations, but I think his presence alone has been a positive influence.
Yes. I’ve started to feel my groove coming back…
This week I’ve had good luck catching buses. I’ve found time for my favorite TV shows and a trip to the pool amid my new work schedule. I’m in the middle of two great books. I’m making new friends and haven’t even been that tired waking up at 6:00 am every morning. But there’s plenty that still has the capacity to bring me down. A creepy walk to the bus from work. The guy on the subway who told the whole car to “have a fucked up day or die.” A Twitter troll who told me I had a punchable face.
On Monday night I celebrated feeling fantastic by buying myself yellow roses just because for the first time in a long time. Fresh-cut flowers are my favorite thing to tag onto a grocery run, but they’re ridiculously expensive in Manhattan. Still, they’re gorgeous! They make me happy. What is temporary can still be valuable. After all, this too shall pass.
Outfit of This Era:
I’ve given you so many this week, but since this newsletter is late I’ll give you one more:
Recommendations for This Era:
Nora Ephron’s body of work. The above outfit was inspired by You’ve Got Mail, and I just finished her first essay collection Wallflower at the Orgy. The first is a perfect holiday movie and the second has the best title I’ve ever heard.
Reboot on Hulu.
Get a pair of fall boots fixed and bring your old favorites out of the closet.
“It’s My Life” by No Doubt - The music video for this one is a must.
Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power - Enough incest, child brawls, and underused CGI dragons! I just want to find out who Sauron is tonight without having to turn up my TV brightness.
Using a planner.
Investing in an apple or pumpkin-scented candle.
How Stella Got Her Groove Back - A wonderful, cozy rom-com. Angela Bassett. Taye Diggs. Whoopi Goldberg. What more do you need?
Quotes for This Era:
“To have one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love, and to remain indifferent.”
- Joan Didion, “On Self-Respect” from Slouching Towards Bethlehem
“You know, everything adds up. It’s what I keep saying in my books and in Cosmo. If you do every little thing you can do in your own modest position, one thing leads to another. So do it and be it and write the letters and make the phone calls and get on with it. And this is what I was doing every hour of the day, every day of the year.”
- Helen Gurley Brown, quoted by Nora Ephron in her essay, “‘If You’re a Little Mouseburger, Come With Me. I Was a Mouseburger And I Will Help You.’” from Wallflower at the Orgy.
The essay is also available as Helen Gurley Brown Only Wants to Help.
I don’t wear cardigans. (Get the reference?)
Using this phrase sent me down a whole rabbit hole to find its origin. It seems to have begun in both Persian and Jewish folklore. Do with that what you will.
In New York, this is pronounced as one word.
You can’t see the floral embroidery on the sheer shirt pictured, but trust me that it’s there.
The best I’ve ever eaten, I swear!
It’s nearly impossible to leave without buying something.