minor acts of bravery
my new commute and sea urchin worth celebrating
This month marks three years since I started “preface to my memoirs”!
In May of 2022, on the precipice of graduating college and moving back to New York, I set out on a very unserious endeavor to write more. I said I’d share stray thoughts, life updates, embarrassments, and shenanigans with you, and 46 issues later,1 I’ve written about all those things and a lot more!
THANK YOU to all of you who’ve decided to join me on this writing experiment, and THANK YOU to everyone who’s offered encouragement every time I’ve thought about tapping out.
This month has one of those months, where it’s been so difficult to bring myself to write. I’ve been dragging my feet getting this newsletter out and wondering for the 1000th time if I have anything worthwhile to say. In the end I always choose to publish something because I promised myself I would. Some effort, no matter how successful the result, is better than none, and in that spirit, I have scrounged together five minor acts of bravery I achieved this month. Small feats that would be easy to dismiss or ignore that I’ve instead decided to celebrate.
Without further ado, here they are:
#1 Cut my hair shorter than it’s ever been
“Are you sure?” the hairstylist asked me for the fourth time before even bringing her scissors out of the drawer. “Do you think it’ll look bad?” I finally asked, wondering what her professional eye might be seeing that I wasn’t. “No, no, it’ll look beautiful! But I would never do it. I’d be terrified.”
As you can imagine, this dialogue did not inspire confidence. Still, I stuck to my gut and told her to chop my hair above my shoulder. Impromptu bangs or a dramatic hair cut can be the first sign of a woman in crisis, but I promise there wasn’t a breakup or mental breakdown behind my desire to change things up. I was just sick of my long hair and how heavy it felt on my head.
When I first saw my hair, I worried I’d made a mistake. I’ve never had a haircut where the outcome looked the same as what I thought I’d explained to the stylist. My mother was the first person to see the cut while I was still in my second-guessing phase. As soon as I began to voice my reservations, she shooed them away, saying, “I never get upset about hair. It grows back.”
Over the years I’ve been very precious about my hair - the length and especially the color. It felt a little freeing to be reminded it’s not that serious. People also seem to think the bob looks chic!
#2 Went to a horror movie in theaters at night
Until this month, I’d only ever gone to see one horror movie in theaters. A late night showing of Us in the spring of 2019 scared me so much I vowed never to do it again. I couldn’t sleep for a week, had nightmares about mirrors for a month, and still get creeped out whenever I think about rabbits or see the film’s poster. That particular movie really wormed its way into the depths of my brain, and I’ve feared being trapped in a dark room with an uncertain plot ever since.
In the six years since that screening, I’ve toughened up a lot. I took a Sex, Race, and Gender in Horror class (true trial by fire). I’ve watched The Exorcist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and The Babadook TWICE.2 I still prefer to watch all horror movies at home, before 5 pm, with all the lights on - especially when there are demons involved. I didn’t see a reason to test my limits until…
I went to see Sinners at 7:45 pm on a Friday night and oh my god am I glad I did!!! A dear friend of mine worked on this production and for her I was determined to see the film opening week.3
I’d read online that it wasn’t too scary of a horror film, but it’s hard to trust other people’s definition of what’s scary.4 I went with a friend to the packed Times Square AMC and trusted that I’d be able to handle whatever vampires Ryan Coogler was about to throw at me. There are few things better than the communal experience of being in a movie theater where everyone is equally excited to be experiencing a story for the first time. Our theater started cheering from the first Michael B. Jordan make out and did not stop until the finale. I left wondering if I might have had an equally good time if I hadn’t talked myself out of seeing The Substance or I Saw the TV Glow in theaters.
As soon as we got back out on 42nd Street, my friend and I were gushing about how much we loved it. If you haven’t seen Sinners yet you must!
#3 Ate out by myself
Carrie Bradshaw once said: "I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone, I’d better sit down and take that fear to lunch… No books, no man, no friends, no armor, no faking."
I’ve had many solo meals in my life, but none as high end as the one person feast I had at Icca last week. In an incredible reversal of fortune, a horrible-no-good-very-bad day I was having was saved when a kind soul offered me their a non-refundable Omakase reservation. On an hour’s notice, I raced downtown to indulge in some truly fantastic food, but since I hadn’t prepared for it, there was no book, no journal, no armor to make myself feel less alone at the counter.
Turns out, I didn’t need anything but the food to have a perfectly wonderful time. I stuck up a conversation with the sushi chef and exchanged restaurant recommendations with the wait staff. I savored every course and paid more attention to what I was eating than I ever would have if I’d had a distraction.
It was a wonderful, lucky thing that I fell into that meal, but I would have never been able to fully enjoy it if I weren’t comfortable in my own company. And so, I’m counting showing up for the experience as just a tiny bit brave.
#4 Started reading Geek Love
This is yet another case of my overcoming my fear of the horror genre.
I can’t remember how I discovered Geek Love or when Katherine Dunn’s book first made an impression on me. I do recall when I found the perfect 1989 copy on the shelf of The Book Cellar as I was restocking the fiction section while volunteering there back in 2022.
The novel’s premise of a couple trying to genetically engineer “freak” children for their traveling circus drew me in and repulsed me. The reviews went on about how powerful, moving, and horrific the novel was. I almost didn’t buy the book for fear I wouldn’t be able to handle what was inside. Just like with movies, I’ve often policed and doubted myself when it comes to scary books. I allow my mind spiral trying to imagine what’s waiting for me within the story, and usually my version is more terrifying than the real thing. Even though I was afraid, I aspired to be the kind of person who could handle a book like Geek Love. I aspire to be the kind of person who can read anything.
I stuffed the book in the bookshelf of my childhood bedroom until it moved to my first apartment, finding a spot in the bottom of my fireplace, under many other works of to-be-read fiction. For over two years it sat there until this Friday I finished Emily Henry’s Happy Place and went to the fireplace looking for the opposite of a sugary romance. I wanted to sink my teeth into something complicated and dark and there was Geek Love staring back at me, ready for her moment in the spotlight. It waited all these years until I was ready, and somehow, inexplicably, I’m not afraid of that story anymore.
I’m still not sure whether I actually like the book after all that build up.
More to come once I finish it.
#5 Drove myself home
This is can’t really be called minor. This is major. Massive. A huge event in the memoirs. For so long, I’ve pushed off driving and thought of it as skill for other people that I had no way of mastering. I got my license since 2018, but I used it so rarely that its existence became a joke among my family.
On New Years Eve, I carried my journal with me on my night out. I carefully wrote out ten New Years Resolutions for 2025 while riding over to a friend’s house on the subway. Hours later, at our first party of the night, I brought out my journal a second time to scrawl “#11 Practice driving” in between drinks and a conversation I don’t remember.
I wasn’t serious about the resolution and doubted it would actually come to pass. How would I deal with the city traffic and highways? Where would I find the time and a vehicle to practice with? As a New Yorker, I’ve never considered driving as part of my birthright. I’ve had fantasies of road trips and cruising with the windows down, but I’d given up thinking it was something I could achieve. I never mastered driving while living in Los Angeles. If didn’t happen there, surely it wasn’t going to in Manhattan.
And yet, last Monday, after popping some Rescue Remedy5 and asking the advice of every person in my office, I drove myself home. I even drove in the rain. Cruising past the Pepsi Cola sign in my Nissan Altima to “Take It Easy” by Eagles, I basked in my newfound freedom. I can drive. Today, tomorrow. Wherever I want to go.
I didn’t actually see the Pepsi Cola sign across the water that first drive because I was focused on the road, but it’s enough to know it was there.
Recommendations for This Era:
The Eagles - “Peaceful Easy Feeling” may be on the nose as a de-stressing driving song, but it works!
Sinners (2025)
“Headphones On” by Addison Rae
Solo concerts
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
Headscarves
Rewatching The Sound of Music
“Soup” by Remi Wolf
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
This one makes 47.
The Babadook is so good, but I do not think I would have been able to make it through the second time without the memes.
I tried for opening weekend, but I’m a busy woman. Natalie, please forgive me <3
I’m better with gore and serial killers than paranormal big bads.
Health food store natural stress reliever. Highly recommend.
Congratulations on Everything, Sophia! Think the title needs a re-write though, 'cause these are MAJOR! Cheers to you and your continued bravery (can't wait to see the new 'do!) xo cj